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The Incessant Ramblings Of...
20 most recent entries

Date:2007-08-07 23:21
Subject:Giving in to self-pity
Mood: gloomy

I just caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I saw myself at an angle where only the outside of my right thigh was visible. My perfect right thigh--one of the few places where I don't have a scar. And I saw myself with flawless skin for the first time since I was 11-years-old.

And I felt like crying, and for the first time I felt that bitterness that I've denied for so long.

Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But why does it have to leave you with these scars, as though to remind you every single day that you went through something terrible and will never be the same because of it?

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Date:2007-06-16 21:15
Subject:Looooong Rant (feel free to ignore)
Mood: sick

I'm to a point where everytime my brother brings home a girl (I'm fairly certain its just one girl now, but I honestly can't keep the faces straight in my head) that I start to have like, a mini panic attack.

I'm not really sure what brings it on. Maybe it was the fact that I heard three people having sex in his room one time (thankfully, he wasn't one of them), or the few times I've heard the girl make some kind of sound, or that I don't want to think of my brother having those kinds of... activities, or maybe I'm just pissed and nervous that I'm going to have another sleepless night because neither of them can talk below a whisper and I have enough trouble sleeping without any noise. 

Actually, it's probably the last one. Lack of sleep is something that I can do, but its also something that kind of.. bites deep. I hate it to the point that it scares the hell out of me. Weird, I know, that one of the things I'm most afraid of is being kept awake when I want to sleep. I think it might revolve around sleepless hospital nights, but I'm honestly not sure. All I know is that I'm angry and miserable and it pisses me off just to think about someone keeping me up all night.

OK, let's back away from my seriously warped psyche, and focus on this part:

This whole, stupid ordeal with my brother has given me very real hatred towards him. He tortured me when I was a kid, and scarred me to the point that I'm terrified of speaking up for myself, but I never really hated him for it. I've always loved my big bro, and I still do, but... I guess it really just feels like a slap in the face. Like he doesn't give a shit about  my personal space, or my well-being. He leaves a mess wherever he goes, never cleans up after himself, leaves the bathroom looking disgusting (have I mentioned how much I despise sharing a bathroom with him...?), and just doesn't seem to give a shit about anyone's comfort but his own.

And he just twists the knife deeper when he brings chicks home on weekdays. He's perfectly aware that all of us need to get up early the next morning. Perfectly aware of how much noise he makes. Perfectly aware that he is not in his own home, and that he should respect that and not do things that will keep all of us up until the wee hours of the morning. And I don't even know how many times my dad's told him to shut the fuck up (in a nicer way, of course).

Everything about my brother is loud. He can't whisper, it always seems as though he's shouting (a good deal of the time he is, because his temper is constantly exploding), he can't shut doors he always slams them, he can't turn the T.V. low or his music low, even his chosen profession is loud. You'd think he'd get all of his aggression out on the fucking drums.

Hmmm.. issues with my brother? Yeah, I think it might be possible. In general, I seem to have a problem lately with having my little "eureka!" moments, except these ones are clueing me in on the fact that all those people I thought could protect me from the bad things, can't. Hell, they can even cause them sometimes. 

And then you realize that the world is a big scary place, and the rose-colored glasses come off and reality comes crashing down. It feels like after everything that's happened lately, I've seen the worst the world has to offer. But, as usual, I was still being too optimistic.

Ugh. Now I'm in that weird place where I feel so much better to have all of this off of my chest, and I've wholly depressed myself with all these negative thoughts.

Well, anyway, I thought I'd try this instead of taking an Ativan. I think it worked, too. Yay for non-medicated stress relievers!

If you read all of this, I have to give you a pat on the back. 

So, yeah. LJ is so wonderful for venting. I guess that's why normal people keep diaries, huh?

P.S. I read for ten hours straight today, but I finished the new Anita Blake novel. LKH redeemed herself in some areas, dug a deeper hole in others. *shrug*

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Date:2007-04-28 12:46
Subject:Dull Saturday
Mood: lazy

This is me, sitting on my ass, knowing I have so much to do and avoiding all of them completely.

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Date:2007-04-13 13:56
Subject:Like a candle...
Mood: frustrated

I feel my sanity melting away.

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Date:2007-03-28 22:18
Subject:I'm sick of lemonade
Mood: exhausted

Life should by no means be a plateau.

But I'm sick and tired of the constant feeling of riding on a yo-yo. There should be some kind of consistency within life, and perceptions and emotions shouldn't constantly shift. Day to day, hour to hour, I feel as though I'm constantly reevaluating my outlook on my friends, my family, and my life in general.

I shouldn't have to wonder if I'm going to need to take an ambien that night, not to deal with my insomnia, but to deal with the pain that life brings that I should be able to deal with by my own power and will. 

I've adopted the motto "I will not give in" for my life recently. But I guess that's exactly what I'm doing.

It used to be that home was my sanctuary, my place to escape the turbulance of the outside world. But all of a sudden, everything turned upside down and I have to go into what was once, and still is, a scary world in order to find some semblance of sanity. 

Things change too quickly, and my pillar is crumbling, and I can't seem to stand underneath the pressure.

I may not have the weight of the world on my shoulders, but my family is my world, and sometimes it just feels like I'm carrying a little too much of the load.

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Date:2007-03-19 21:46
Subject:Often heard, but never really understood
Mood: drugged

Stop comparing your life to the lives of others. 

It'll only make you unhappy.

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Date:2007-03-14 16:53
Subject:Random update
Mood: busy

I'm making an attempt to update this thing more often.

Err.. news:

My brother's moving home for a month. 

I did a speech (in speech class) on bone marrow transplants, and I was suprised at how difficult it was for me (emotionally).

The speech not only brought up quite a few bitter memories on my part, but the very first thing I talked about was my brother and how he donated to me, which pretty much always makes me cry. (Although this is the second time that my prof. has told me I should really join the speech team, which  makes me feel good ^^)

I'm behind in math yet again, but this time it's stuff that I had trouble with last semester, which means it won't be quite as easy to catch up.

I finally got a referral for a psychiatrist. Now I need to remember to call him.

I'm going to the gym. 

Then I'm coming home to shower real quick and pick up Shannon for Phil. class.


It never ends, huh?

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Date:2007-02-10 10:50
Mood: creative

I had a dream last night that really hit home.

I was in my room, looking at myself in the mirror, and my image kept changing.

Everytime I would step back from the mirror, then step up again, I'd look different. Different eyes, hair, even skin color. And everytime I was so ugly. And I kept looking again, over and over, to try and figure out which one was really me. And it was all unintentional.

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Date:2007-01-11 19:30
Subject:Let me forget, or give me drugs
Mood: crappy

I'm tired and scared and sad and I just want to sleep.

Date:2006-12-11 07:35
Subject:ooookie dooooookie
Mood: tired

Things are OK now.

My grandfather's been stable for the past week or so, and my family is getting along pretty good, as well.

My birthday's on friday and it's going to kick ass.

I only have one final (Japanese definitely doesn't count) and I'm completely ready for it.

Life's looking OK right now.

I'll deal with all the other shit later.

Thanks for all the support. I love you guys.

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Date:2006-11-27 03:06
Subject:Substitution for Therapy
Mood: frustrated

I feel so inadequate lately.

As a friend, a writer, a director, a student, an employee, a daughter...

Nothing ever turns out the way I intended.

And now I forgot to call John and let him know that rehearsal today was canceled, and he's going to have an even bigger reason to hate me, because he probably showed up and was waiting...

And I shouldn't care. The guy's an asshole. I can't stand him.

And I'm getting kind of tired of being Switzerland.

And lately I haven't even needed any strong emotion to back up my sobbing fits. All it takes is a gentle reminder of how much everything sucks right now, and I want to start crying.

I've been trying this honest thing lately, where if someone asks how I am, I reply, "Kind of shitty, actually." But I think it just makes them feel awkward, and it doesn't make me feel any better to tell them the truth. I think I'll just go back to "Fine, thanks, and you?"

At least that way I can pretend that everything's OK.

And I've had this tendency to rant lately... more than I used to. As can be seen by this rant I'm writing out right now.

And I can't sleep. I have to take a sleeping pill every night so I can sleep. Either that, or smoke.

Or stay up until 3 AM. That usually works, too.

And I don't want to complain. I want to just be happy. But when my eyes are red from crying and I can't hold it in anymore, I just can't pretend anymore.

I can honestly tell you that I've never been this miserable in my life. I had a better time when I was in the hospital.

I can't bear to see my Poppa go through his anymore. And I don't know what to do, and I don't know how to feel, and so I'm just frustrated along with being sad.

Please, please, please don't tell me you're sorry, or that everything's going to be OK, or that I have to be strong.

Let's just pretend that everything's OK, and then many years from now I'll have some breakdown in therapy and I'll deal with these emotions then.

Thanks for reading, it feels better to just rant about all the shit that's going on.

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Date:2006-11-25 02:33
Subject:Neal! Patrick! Harris!
Mood: bipolar

I'm the current highest bidder for all four seasons of Doogie Howser, M.D. on ebay.


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Date:2006-11-12 00:48
Subject:Pleasant Surprise
Mood: yay

So I found a bunch of music on the family computer that my brother must have saved, including: The Killers, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and other stuff I haven't even heard of.

I'm very, very happy.

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Date:2006-10-13 05:42
Mood: fuzzy

My head feels like a cement block.

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Date:2006-10-03 16:12
Subject:Farewell, Barnes and Noble
Mood: stressed

So, I'm quitting my job, and I'm really depressed about it.

I like my job, and a good 50% of my friends work there with me. I won't see them nearly as often, and there are some people that I only see at work. 

But I'm sick of Barnes and Noble jacking me around. I work way too hard there for this kind of shit. 

*sigh* Oh, well.

Also, even though I can't post polls on LJ, lemme know what you think:

What should Jessica's next hair color be?:

A. Stick with black
B. Go back to strawberry blonde
C. A darker red
D. Purple ^_^

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Date:2006-09-02 11:02
Subject:Well, shit...
Mood: angry

Not exactly turning out how I had pictured.

Possible, majoring editing to take place.

Hopefully only with the script.

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Date:2006-08-21 23:56
Subject:I am idiot, hear me snore... I wish
Mood: annoyed

It's 11:56 on Monday, the 21st of August.

And I'm miserable.


Because my insomnia has decided that it's time for a raging comeback...

just in time for school.

Oh, and because a great guy is interested in me

And that scares the shit out of me.

... Did I mention I'm an idiot?

OK... an idiot that can't sleep.

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Date:2006-07-11 23:47
Mood: whaaaa?

Confusion and clarity can often feel like the same thing.

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Date:2006-05-31 01:06
Subject:If You're Bad, God Will Stone You
Mood: restless

Jessica really needs to start remembering that coffee comes in decaf, too.

P.S. Spontaneous trip to Disneyland. Is there anything better?

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Date:2006-05-07 16:42
Subject:Good Bye Mary Sunshine
Mood: exhausted

So the one-acts are finished.

I crashed the B casts and went out to Denny's with everyone. It was fun... although I was really hoping we'd be doing something else... oh, well.

I was Tim's ride and I didn't really feel like driving to Camarillo at 2 AM, so he just crashed at my place. He SNORES... LOUDLY. Kept me up until 5 AM until I finally decided to go downstairs and sleep on the couch. Achieved about three hours of sleep before my brother woke me up.

Did my last scene with Kirin today. We rocked. Really wish we could have done it in front of the class.

Almost done with all my assignments. One paper to write, and two finals. So... close...

And, of course, surgery tomorrow. I'm getting a little more nervous, but I'm sure it'll be fine. I'm just not looking forward to physical therapy.. ick.

I'll update again after the surgery to let everyone know how it went.


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